


Love is...

by songkim2020



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25464820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songkim2020/pseuds/songkim2020
Summary: An entry to the #WINNERficfest2020:When Mino and Jinwoo learn a thing or two about true love"True love is an unconditional commitment towards imperfect people to seek their highest good which may at times require a great deal of sacrifice"Prompt:  Jinu and Mino have been dating for 4 years, but their relationship feels bland until the question arises "whether they still care about each other?" Seunghoon suggested that they write a diary during the summer whenever they found something that reminded each other.
Relationships: Kim Jinwoo/Song Minho | Mino
Comments: 13
Kudos: 33
Collections: WINNER Spring/Summer Fic Fest 2020





	1. Love is not selfish

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 

\- Philippians 2:3-4

* * *

The millions of Korean dramas Jinwoo had watched had led him to believe two lies.

First, that finding love was difficult and serendipitous.

And second, that love would be the pinnacle of happiness of one's life.

Now, it was true that finding the love of his life truly felt like a miracle especially when that person just happened to be one of his best friends but it was _**certainly**_ _**not**_ the most challenging part of a relationship. Finding love was hard but what Jinwoo had painfully discovered from the last 4 years was that the real and ultimate test was how to _**stay in love.**_

Because at some point, the fireworks die out and the flowers fade. And the same person that made you ridiculously happy, had the power to anger and hurt you just as badly.

And unfortunately, tonight was no exception. This was the nth time for the past few months that Mino had failed again to inform his _hyung_ of his whereabouts and worse, he had not checked in the entire day. The older of the two had let it pass the first few times. But when it was clearly becoming a habit, it had erupted into a series of shout fests that they failed to resolve to this day. But what irked Winner's eldest the most, was Mino kept at it despite Jinwoo’s anger and feelings.

The younger man was so different when they had first gotten together. He was at Jinwoo’s beck and call when we needed help especially with his song or his MV. He lavished the older man with gifts, compliments and self-produced love songs. In those days, the rapper could hardly keep his hands off him. And if they weren’t together, he would bombard Jinwoo with phone calls or messages. He was - to put it simply - the center of Mino’s attention and Jinwoo relished the feeling of being so loved and desired.

So to be ignored and be out of Mino’s spotlight was such a huge blow to his heart and ego. The rapper's sudden and extreme change in behavior had left Jinwoo feeling utterly dumbfounded and betrayed.

TBC


	2. Love is not a feeling

"Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity...true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis.."

\-- The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

* * *

In a _pocha_ somewhere in Seoul, Mino had downed another shot of _soju._ He had gone for another night out with friends. Beside him, a worried Ji-hoon stared at his sorry drunk state and mumbled, "You know -- you can't keep avoiding this"

Mino glanced at P.O. and ignored him.

The rapper knew this all too well but didn't have the balls to say it. Face him. And do the unthinkable.

He couldn't really pinpoint when exactly it began. All he remembered was a few months ago, two horrible feelings emerged out of nowhere.

Boredom and exhaustion.

He ignored it at first. Hoping it was just a phase in their relationship. But as weeks passed, he couldn't shake it off and it eventually drove an invisible wedge between him and his lover.

It started out gradually with the small things. The rapper started to message and call less frequently. Clearly sounding more impatient and disinterested in their exchanges. Finishing calls sooner than usual. Then, the errands and the favors for Jinwoo began to feel like too much work. Encroaching on his personal time. And finally, his sexual appetite began to wane and his night outs started to become more frequent.

It was partly due to the fact that everything had started to become so familiar that it didn't excite nor make him tingly and giddy anymore. He had lost the fire and spark that gave him so much energy when they had just started.

Love had lost its luster and started to feel like a chore.

But it was also because he was just sooo damn tired. For sure, Jinwoo was kind, considerate, beautiful, and funny but the man was also emotionally needy. He could do things solo but constantly dependent on Mino to fulfill his emotional demands. If he was feeling insecure or unhappy, the rapper had to constantly be present to provide reassurance, validation, and comfort.

He knew lovers were suppose to be there for one another. But he also knew that each individual had to possess a certain level of emotional self-reliance. The younger man could barely take care of his own mental health, what more two people?

Yet Mino really couldn't find the courage to say these feelings directly to his lover. Not wanting to hurt him or worse abandon him. But the feelings persisted nonetheless with a ton of fear and guilt in the mix. He had made a promise to his bandmate to always love him and never hurt him, and was certain back then that his feelings would never change. But here he was a now, betraying those words. And so for the past months, he did what most cowards would do, hide in _ponchas_ in Seoul and forget all the unpleasant emotions through alcohol.

"Mino, it's not as if this is any less painful than talking to him about it" Ji-hoon continued. "I'd imagine this is just as bad because you're keeping him in the dark by dodging him."

The rapper glared at his friend. What part of avoidance and drowning out your troubles did his friend not get? 

"Shouting at each other doesn't count" P.O. continued, quickly reading his friend's mind.

"Can you shut the fuck up?" he growled.

Ji-hoon smiled and shook his head, "No, sorry."

The _mojiri_ suddenly stood up, bumping on the chairs and tables around him. Disrupting the conversation among their other friends who were now staring at him in silent surprise.

"I'm leaving" he grumbled and dumped a wad of cash on the table. Leaving his group without looking back nor saying a proper good bye.

"Is he going to be alright?" one of their friends asked.

"I hope so" Ji-hoon sighed.

TBC


	3. Love is speaking the hard truth

Telling the truth and making someone cry is better than telling a lie and making someone smile.”

\-- Paulo Coelho

* * *

Seunghoon had entered the Cat House with the simple desire of playing computer games. He had been shooting for a variety show the entire day and had been looking forward to a relaxing night of Overwatch only to be greeted by a very tense lover's spat between his bandmates.

"You're so fucking inconsiderate!" Jinwoo snapped. "You could have at least told me where you were. I was fucking worried!" The dancer observed his friend. Red eyes. Shaking hands. He knew the older man well enough to know when he was emotional and deeply hurting. He rarely saw Jinwoo like this.

"It's not my damn fault you've suddenly become clingy and demanding. We don't need to monitor each other. Our managers do enough of that for the both of us!" Mino shouted back, his words a bit slurred. Clearly drunk and without filters, Hoony thought.

Jinwoo was about to retort back but stopped himself. Their _hyung_ took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Doing his best to calm down. They have had this conversation a million times. Both of them tiptoeing around the real issue. Too scared to face it head on - masking it with loud voices and senseless arguements.

"Mino" he said calmly, to the rapper's surprise.

"Can you just tell me what's going on?" Jinwoo asked, exhaustion and desperation evident from his voice.

The rapper gave his lover a guilty glance and looked away. The courage and aggression from a few minutes ago quickly slipping away.

"Just tell me. Please. I can take it." his _hyung_ continued. "I'd really rather know than be in limbo."

The truth was Jinwoo already knew. He knew the rapper from the back of his hand and could easy read his lover without words.

So of course, he knew. But he didn't want to see it. Believe it.

Jinwoo did not had the strength to hear the truth. Until that night.

Hoony began to retreat towards the door. Hoping to leave unnoticed and give his friends privacy when Mino suddenly spoke up.

"I don't think I love you anymore" he uttered without a pause or stutter.

The dancer stopped midstep, surprised by Mino's blunt and cold words. Seunghoon could hear Jinwoo's heart breaking. He looked back and stared at his friend, feeling his agony even from afar.

"I don't feel anything anymore _"_ the rapper continued softly, hoping his tone would lessen the blow of his words.

"And I'm tired. I'm really emotionally drained. You keep depending on me for comfort when you're sad or validation when you're insecure, but you don't give back. You just keep taking, you know?"

As the rapper talked, the pain took over Jinwoo's body. The tears that threatened to fall. His lips tightly pressed together, trying not to tremble. The rising and falling of his chest as he struggled to breath. The clenched fists.

Hoony wanted nothing more than to run towards his friend and hold him to keep him from falling apart. Knowing fully well the older man was mustering all his strength to keep it together.

While the dancer stared, the rapper could barely look at his lover's face. His own face riddled with remorse and guilt. It was clearly tormenting him. The last thing Mino had ever wanted was to hurt Jinwoo. But this had been going on for months. It was unfair to keep pretending.

"Fine" Jinwoo finally spoke up. "Let's breakup." he said firmly.

And without giving his ex-lover a chance to speak, he escaped to his room and finally allowed himself to breakdown.

Leaving Mino alone in the living room who had now crumpled and dropped to the floor. His face burried in his hands, muffling the sound of his own grief.

Hoony quietly slipped out of the apartment, knowing both men wanted nothing more than to be alone.

TBC


	4. Love is a choice

Love is tricky; at some point you accept. I don't want to say settle. But in a way you do. You are accepting this imperfect human being. Who will irritate you sometimes. Disappoint you. Who you won't like every damn day. But who you love. Who you choose over and over again.

\-- Jeremiah Brent

* * *

It had officially been three months since the night they broke-up. In that time, they had reshuffled room assignments so that he and Jinwoo could be spared from seeing each other all the time. Seungyoon had sat down with them separately to check in on them and dish out some sage love advice. But more importantly, their ever reliable leader made sure that this would not impact the band nor the work.

He was surprised and embarrassed to know from Seunghoon that he was there that fateful evening. There was just so much emotions and tension that night that he had not noticed the dancer entering their apartment. His _hyung,_ to his relief and surprise, did not probe his feelings nor asked him to explain himself. He was usually one to impart some words of wisdom. But this time around, he had only asked him to do one thing.

"Take note of what you miss about him. Like type it or write it down" he instructed.

" _Hyung_ , how is that suppose to help me move on?" Mino questioned.

"Just do it for the first few months especially when you start dating again" he continued. "Just trust me"

"Is this some scheme to get us back together?" he asked suspiciously.

"No, it's bigger and more important than that. You'll figure it out - trust me"

\--

And so he did. After fulfilling the 3-month rule, he had begun casually dating a string of people friends had introduced or he met through clubs. And found himself writing the most mundane and surprising things.

_**Date #1: Cafe with that dancer** _

_Didn't laugh at my jokes AT ALL. Jinwoo always thought I was funny._

_**Date #2: Stylist at the art exhibit** _

_Kept talking non-stop. Wouldn't let me enjoy the damn exhibit. Hyung wouldn't have been interested either but would have given me the time and space to look around. He probably would have waited for me without complains while playing games on his phone._

_**Date #3: Private club with kpop idol** _

_Tried to touch my thigh and I flinched. I realized you were the only person I allowed to do that._

_And laughed like a hyena. You always had a high pitch laugh but it was adorable._

_**Date #4: Yi-soo at this resto** _

_Well well well. I like this one._

_**Date #5: Yi-soo in Itaewon** _

_We talked non-stop on the phone. Seeing each other again tomorrow._

_**Date #7: Yi-soo where we had our first date** _

_Been dating for a month. This is it! Those feelings I missed are back!_

_**Date #11: Yi-soo at the park** _

_I wonder hyung. What if these feelings disappear just like it did with you?_

_**Date #12: Y @ Amusement Park** _

_Yi-soo kept nitpicking everything today from my clothes to the way I chew. Why won't you just date someone else for crying out loud? Or just make yourself that imaginary boyfriend of yours? Damn it._

_**Date #16: At Y's apartment** _

_I couldn't relax with Y._

_I miss doing absolutely nothing with you. I miss the days on our couch not having to talk or entertain one another. Just being together in one room. Not worrying about what the other thought. Just being ourselves._

_**Date #17: At Y's apartment** _

_Y tried to kiss me and I couldn't._

_I kept thinking of you._

_**Date #18: At Y's apartment** _

_If love required this much effort, I'd rather work at it with you._

_\--_

Mino looked at the entries he had written on his phone for the past months. He had just parted ways with Yi-soo, saying as kindly as he could that he didn't want to continue dating anymore. It wasn't fair to string the person along when he was clearly missing and thinking of someone else. And as bad as it may sound, Yi-soo's tears did not move him as much as Jinwoo's cold face the night they broke up. That had personally crushed him.

Back then, he thought love had waned because he had chosen the wrong person. In the movies, the romance never seemed to fade. That's what you get when you base love on fiction.

Now, he realized that it had ended because he expected love to be easy. That he would always _feel_ like being with and doing things for Jinwoo.

But the truth was, whoever said that " _True love feels easy. It flows and everything comes naturally_ " was an ignorant fool who probably never had a real relationship.

Nothing important is ever created without effort. Intention. 

Talent. A career. A house. Wealth. A well-defined body. Everything important always required constant hard work. It was a deliberate choice.

Why did he even think a relationship was an exception?

Jinwoo certainly had flaws that irked him. And his _hyung_ really needed to develop emotional resilience. Almost six months after, he still didn't regret telling him so that night. But he did regret not speaking the truth sooner and handling things better.

But there were definitely no formulas or singular way of going about relationships to guarantee its success. Each story unfolds ** _d_ _ifferently, imperfectly_**. But what he knew for certain was if he had to go through the intricacies, pitfalls and complications of love, he wanted no one else but Jinwoo by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intentionally used a unisex Korean name (Yi-soo) and made Yi-soo's gender open for the reader's interpretation


	5. Love is me and you

In a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things. The bad things. The mundane things. All of it. All the time. Everyday. You're saying, your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.

\-- Shall we Dance

* * *

Mino arrived at their apartment complex at around 9 in the evening. The date with Yi-soo ending early just as he anticipated. The short walk towards the building was usually uneventful until he saw a familiar figure sitting on one of the park benches.

Jinwoo was all by himself, staring at the river in front of their building. The older man rarely went out of his room. More so on his own at this hour. Something was definitely amiss.

 _Perhaps this is my chance_ , the rapper thought.

"Mind if I join you?" Mino asked. Jinwoo's eyes widened in surprise at the sudden intrusion.

He looked at his unwanted guest and when he recognized who it was, his face immediately fell.

"I was about to leave anyway" he replied coldly about to get up.

" _Hyung_ , stay" the rapper pleaded as he grabbed Jinwoo's wrist. The older man stared at Mino's hand as he debated whether to give in or leave.

"Please" his bandmate said again.

After what seemed like ages, Jinwoo sighed and returned to his seat. 

\--

Minutes passed without a word. The rapper scrambled for what to say and the courage to speak up.

"Hyung?" he said finally.

"Yes?" Jinwoo answered icily.

"I'm - I'm" Mino stuttered. The rapper paused and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry" he finally whispered.

Jinwoo didn't respond and continued to look at the river in silence.

Waiting.

"I - I was lazy. I thought, well you know, I thought it was suppose to be easy. To feel good all the time. But - but I had it all wrong"

He then went on to explain the past months. Speaking honestly of his dates and the reflections from Seunghoon's little exercise. 

"We're never really thought how to love in school and it's not exactly a topic we discuss with our parents. We just learn by doing it and failing at it" he said.

"Not that I'm an expert now but I definitely know better than I did before." he continued. "I don't expect you to quickly forgive me or to trust me. But I want you to know that I want to try again. Do better. Fight for this if - if you'd let me."

When Mino had finished, he stared desperately at the man beside him. The rapper took in a deep breath and waited as Jinwoo sat silently.

He could hear the older man's heavy breathing as the minutes passed.

"I did the note taking thing too" Jinwoo finally uttered.

"Seunghoon-a made me do it. That schemer" Jinwoo said with an awkward laugh.

"But - well it wasn't really a log of dates. I didn't really date" he said. The rapper smiled back sheepishly.

"You could say they were more insights and reflections of what you said that night. How I kept taking. That really stayed with me" Jinwoo explained.

"And you were right. I mean we both misunderstood love. I guess I unconsciously thought love was all about - well - me. How my partner could love and serve all my emotional needs." Jinwoo said softly.

"I owe you an apology too Mino-ya"

Mino grinned as he heard his pet name again after so long.

"When you were gone, it hit me. Rather than facing and handling any difficult emotion, I would run away from them. Avoid them through games and dramas. Before, I could dump them on you and expected you to fix things. Make me feel more confident. Happier. Everything. When you were gone, I realized I couldn't. Didn't know how. And that's something I really needed to figure out on my own"

Jinwoo fell silent again.

"But you're right about love. We're all still learning but also messing up. I mean you're not born knowing how." he continued.

"You think this was Seunghoon's plan along?" Mino asked with a grin. Jinwoo laughed.

"Probably, I hate to admit it but he does have his moments" his hyung answered.

Mino swallowed and repeated his question earlier, "hyung, what do yo say? can we try again?"

"Even if I'm still a mess?" 

"We're always going to be works in progress hyung. I'm no better. Let's sort things out together"

"I don't know. What if we make the same mistakes?" Jinwoo asked.

Mino reached out to hold his lover's hand. He grinned when Jinwoo held his hand back.

"We will keep making mistakes. That I guarantee. It will persist. Selfishness. Restlessness. We're human after all. But we know a little better now. We'll handle those better" Mino replied with a strong steady voice.

"We can't stop ourselves from loving each other just because we're afraid to make mistakes" he finished.

The older man looked long and hard at his lover.

"When did you become so mature?" Jinwoo teased. The rapper bursted out laughing.

When the laughter had died down, the pair smiled and gazed silently at one another.

With hands still clasped, shoulders side-by-side, they spent the rest of the evening staring at the river.

Teasing one another. Catching-up. Laughing. Sitting in comfortable silence. Processing the past months. Talking about the hard truths.

There were no empty promises of happily ever after. They knew love was never the absence of doubts, problems, or pain. When you put two imperfect and flawed people together, nothing is ever simple nor easy.

But they also knew love endures and flourishes in the face of adversity.

And their love would always win.

\---

From a distance, Seunghoon stared at his friends. He looked down and smiled at his companion.

"Come on Haute. Let's go home. I think our job here is done" 

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case any of you are wondering, the boys won't be moving back together anytime soon. Mostly because SeungSeung would kill them but also because I think they each need the space to sort themselves out.
> 
> And Seunghoon wasn't stalking. He was walking Haute and happen to catch the boys. ;P


End file.
